Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
