i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
