You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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