My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
