her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
