FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
