After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
high people should be assigned attendants
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Every concussion has its silver lining
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
