I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
