Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
