I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Randomize
