I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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