its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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