i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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