Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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