I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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