I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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