I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
