My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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