It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
