Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
