Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
