I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
