I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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