Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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