chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
