I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
