The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
