Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
