How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
