I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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