His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
