It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
