a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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