The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
