dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
