Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
