do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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