epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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