glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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