i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
