I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
