Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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