The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
