I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
