A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
