How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
