Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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