i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
did i just pee glitter
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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