thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
