it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
