This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
